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| Posted By: Itls Only Me from Across the Sea Posted On: Jan 22, 2002 Views: 1880 | John's Response He made no reply. This means to me that he is unkind and ungentlemanly. And that it is HIS loss. His feelings, if any, towards me are not relevant. I am free of him after 36 years |
| Posted By: Rob Posted On: Jan 29, 2002 Views: 1844 | RE: John's Response I read the entire thread with great fascination and a little bit of dread. As contemporaries - we're approximatly the same age - we both grew up with many similar constraints on our behavior. That John didn't contact you should have been no surprise, the guy is, as you point out, a jerk. I'm glad you're finally free of him! |
| Posted By: Anonymous Posted On: Jun 4, 2002 Views: 1723 | RE: RE: John's Response After reading through your entire biography and the followups, it seems like you did not receive the closure you wanted, and John did not give you the closure you deserved. For the rest of your life, there will always be the "what if?" It may not be possible to forget 36 years of unrequited love, but you have so much already, a loving wife, an understanding son, caring friends... There is still so much to see and so much more to live for. p.s. I know this sounds rather moribund and you're not suicidal; just a few words of encouragement from someone on the same boat. ;) |
| Posted By: Brian Posted On: Jun 27, 2002 Views: 1705 | RE: John's Response Read your story with increasing alarm. Can empathize with this obsession over a childhood love- who hasn't had one? BUT, you are letting it control you and your apparently otherwise successful life. What a wonderful wife & son you have!! All that understanding. For heaven's sake, seek some professional help in putting this obsession behind you, before you go any further with it. Its obvious that, despite repeatedly saying "OK, now its really over...", that you simply return to it. The man does not want to know you or have you in his life. That is not unreasonable. Stop contacting him before the police or courts get involved. |
| Posted By: me Posted On: Jul 7, 2002 Views: 1695 | RE: John's Response I don't get it. Why are you so angry with John for not replying? Sure, it may have been better off for him to simply say that he didn't want to meet you straight off the bat, but I hardly think that what he did is grounds for calling him a jerk. It is clear--at least to me--that he did not want to meet, but did not want to hurt your feelings by saying so. I should know; I've been in the same boat, when somebody showered me with attention and I didn't know how to say, "Back off!" So I avoided him (I'm a girl, btw). Probably not the best method, but understandable. John's situation sounds similar. Perhaps he didn't like confrontations...perhaps that was why he didn't tell you to go away whenever you sat next to him in chapel, or did other things that might not have sat well with him. I know that that was why I put up with the aforementioned boy for so long. It would have been better for him to be straightforward with you, but to call him a "****" is uncalled for. You don't know him. It would have been worse for him to pretend to want to see you and act happy when he really didn't want to at all. John was perfectly within his rights to not want to meet you, or to choose not to associate with you. Replying to your letter and/or choosing to meet with you would have been beyond the call of duty and certainly a generous gesture, but it was not a REQUIRED one. |
| Posted By: me again Posted On: Jul 7, 2002 Views: 1692 | RE: RE: John's Response I forgot to say a few other things... Like you said yourself, he does not owe you anything. Take that into consideration. And another thing...how do you know he even GOT your letter? Or read it, for that matter? Just a few more reasons as to why it is not the brightest of moves to call John a jerk. |
| Posted By: Richard Posted On: Nov 13, 2002 Views: 1610 | RE: John's Response Having read the whole story, your letters and all the comments, I think the best clue to John's attitude was given by himself in his voice message. If you listen to the way he says 'nothing personal', then you realize that this is precisely what it's all about: 'it's personal' Too personal for him to handle. There can be many reasons: [1] Like all of us, as a teenager he was worried about his own orientation but didn't dare experiment and later decided to close 'the gay door' forever. [2] He had actually been a little disgusted by your attention but didn't want to break with you as long as nothing physical was being forced on him. [3] You simply never were very important to him and thus easy to forget afterwards. I was in love with varying classmates all through the 12 years of school. My dearest friend sadly died in a car-crash when he was only 21, but some of the others I have looked up on the internet and contacted now 40 years later. There is nothing left of any interest one way or the other: it was the boy I loved, not boring old men, so I prefer not to meet them. Forget John! Richard |
| Posted By: Henry Posted On: Feb 8, 2003 Views: 1573 | RE: John's Response I, too, once had a friend that I fell in love with. He, too, told me after many years had passed that he really did not remember me. With that I had closure of the whole affair. This friend had been my constant companion (without ever haveing a sexual event between us) through a year of high school (in America). I spent weekends with him at his home in Texas, we went to visit his grandfather in another city in Texas. He even came to my home and spent a week with my family in Louisiana. I assumed that he really did not want to renew acquaintance with me when he wrote and told me that he did not even remember me. I married my wife some 42 years ago. We have seven children (two of which are adopted and i foster-son). We have 16 grandchildren and another on the way. We are now 62 years old, and I have no regrets. It is just puzzling to me why this friend of years ago would not remember me. But as I said I have no regrets. I have had a very happy life with my wife, children and grandchildren. I am happy for you that you now seem to have closure on your John. |
| Posted By: Charles Posted On: Apr 2, 2003 Views: 1555 | RE: RE: John's Response Clearly you don't have closure with John. Closure is very difficult after deep emotional involvement (even if only one-way). I think that your mistake is to worry about closure. Why do you need closure? Why can't John be a happy memory, that you bring to the surface and enjoy from time to time? It doesn't have to be a sad or bad memory, or one that must be avoided. As you said, you loved the boy, not the man. Forget the man, enjoy the memory of the boy. You did nothing with John to be ashamed of. You have told everyone important to you about him, so it isn't a secret to embarass you. Get on with life, and let John (the boy) be part of it from time to time. John the man makes no difference at all. Forget him, and certainly forget about contacting him. You can't contact John the boy. |
| Posted By: whoami Posted On: May 25, 2003 Views: 1530 | RE: RE: RE: John's Response I'm tired of all this "no-regrets" talk. It doesn't matter how happy you pretend to be or how many children and grandchildren you have. You lived your life in denial and even in the end you are still in denial. I may be a hypocrit and eventually walk down the same road as those of you already have done, but let this be an inspiration to those who have the potential to be courageous enough to live life as they will and not succumb to the conformity of societal rule, let them seek answers without fear. Oh bull****, it's all bull****. |
| Posted By: Mark Posted On: Jan 11, 2005 Views: 1363 | RE: John's Response I didn't expect him to respond after what you have already wrote. I too am on the list of people that do not consider him a jerk. He *could* have written to you as a pure kindness, but I'm not surprised that he didn't. Your effusiveness would have daunted me as well. I do hope that indeed you are past him. A life-long obsession would be a horror on the nerves. |