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| Posted By: AdamMaster Posted On: Aug 26, 2005 Views: 720 | I love lists! While I spend my days sitting around my brother's apartment eating his food and taking up space I spend a lot of my time fine-tuning my poo jokes but sometimes I take a break and use his internet access to find lists. I love them. Please read every one of them ok? Top 10 Names for Failed Restaurants & Bars: T.G.I. Mondays Chuck E. Jesus Mad Cow's Burger Barn Sam 'N' Ella's The Porcelain Bus Unfriendly's Whatchama Carcass (hat-tip: The Simpsons) The Outhouse of the August Moon Wrecked Em's Buffet Jeers: Where everybody calls you names. Top 10 Rejected James Bond Movie Titles: Coldfinger Ballbreaker The Spy Who Infected Me The Man with the Golden Filling Deli Royale Pink-Eye Secretly Servicing Her Majesty Thunderthighs From Milwaukee with Love Moneypenny's Sexual Harrassment Lawsuit Diamonds are Forever, But Secure Mutual Funds Are Better For Your Retirement Plan Top Ten Strategies Of Saddam Hussein's Attorneys 10. Play up the "at least he didn't do steroids" angle 9. Pin everything on Saddam's scheming brother, Larry Hussein 8. Answer every charge with, "No, you're thinking of Iran" 7. Explain he was driven insane by the intense flavor of new Spicy Nacho Doritos 6. Brand prosecutor's list of 12,000 witnesses as "flimsy" 5. Brighten mood by calling to the stand the always charming Tony Danza 4. Request one of those "confined to your 153-acre estate" punishments like Martha got 3. Give Saddam white suit and turkey leg--make him hilarious boss hogg-like figure 2. Let Saddam Hussein go nuts and execute everyone in the courtroom 1. "If the underpants don't fit, you must acquit" Top Ten Rejected Titles For Saddam Hussein's New Novel 10. The Da Vinci Goat. 9. Of Lice and Men. 8. I'm Okay, You're Uday. 7. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sand. 6. Inspectors Turn up no Evidence that Herbie was Ever Fully Loaded. 5. Mahmoud Potter and the Goblet of Hummus. 4. Kuwaiting for Godot. 3. Along Came a Spider Hole. 2. Sunnis are from Mars, Shiites are from Venus, Americans are Infidel Pig Dogs. 1. The Brotherhood of the Traveling Underpants Top 10 Reasons Saddam Hussein Loves Doritos 10. Three-cornered chips remind him of the Sunni Triangle 9. Chemical Ali taught him how to convert the spicy powder into a nerve agent 8. The "crunch" sounds like the breaking of a dissident's bones 7. Pringles are for Kurds 6. They are corn chips of mass deliciousness 5. Goes perfectly with a tall glass of camel milk 4. Endorsed by his favorite late night television host, Al-Asaad Muhammed Leno 3. "Cool ranch" flavor is a preview of the paradise that awaits a martyr 2. When beard is full of orange crumbs, he can do hilarious "Yosemite Saddam" 1. Delicious taste allows him to momentarily forget he'll spend eternity in hell |
| Posted By: AdamMaster Posted On: Aug 26, 2005 Views: 719 | RE: I love lists! Top Ten Things Overheard During Bill Clinton's Hospital Stay 10. "A nurse is coming! Put him in the restraints!" 9. "Strange--his veins have no blood. It's just Crisco." 8. "Canseco's here with something that'll make you feel amazing!" 7. "Five more heart surgeries and you'll tie Cheney!" 6. "When I told him no sex for a month, he pulled a scalpel on me." 5. "What a lovely bouquet from Osama." 4. "For some reason, he always forgets the surgical gown opens in the back." 3. "We removed the scar tissue from the heart, as well as several impacted french fries." 2. "Al Gore! When did you start working as an oderly?" 1. "Hillary wants to know if you would neuter him." Top Ten Things Overheard At The Opening Of The Clinton Library 10. "I'm sorry, this part of the library is strictly for 21-and-over." 9. "A library in Arkansas--well, now I've seen everything." 8. "The hours are 9 to ???" 7. "This is the first presidential library I've seen with hourly rates." 6. "He has the largest collection of adult magazines since Herbert Hoover." 5. "Don't forget to try the snack bar's impeachment cobbler." 4. "That concludes our ceremony--you're all invited to stay for ham hocks and moonshine." 3. "Damn, Bubba has a huge desk." 2. "It's the only presidential library with a ladies' night." 1. "Security to the front--Kerry is here sobbing again." Top Ten Chapter Titles In Bill Clinton's Memoirs 10. "I'm Writing This Chapter Naked" 9. "I Pray Hillary Doesn't Read Pages 6, 18, 41-49, 76 And Everything Past 200" 8. "Protecting The Constitution: How To Get Gravy Stains Out Of The Parchment" 7. "A Few Of My Favorite Subpoenas" 6. "From Gennifer to Paula to Monica: Why It Pays To Keep Lowering Your Standards" 5. "1995-1998: The Extra-Pasty Years" 4. "Kneel To The Chief" 3. "What's The Deal With That Moron You Guys Replaced Me With?" 2. "NAFTA -- Bringing America Into... Ah Screw That, Who Wants To Read Some More About Bubba Gettin' Down?" 1. "The Night I Accidentally Slept With Hillary" Top Ten Real Reasons John Kerry Is Running For President 10. To bring renewed tedium and uncertainty to the Democratic party 9. Vows to be the greatest horse-faced President since Polk 8. Couldn't live with himself if he didn't hold a higher office than Schwarzenegger 7. Needs an excuse to get out of a wedding in February 6. Get elected, eat a ton of waffles, become the fattest President 5. Long days on the campaign trail beats sitting around being nagged by the wife to put away the socks 4. An unusually persuasive horoscope told him he should 3. Did you know if the President kills some guy in a bar fight the FBI will make it cool? 2. A leader who supports both sides of every issue is a friend to all Americans 1. Show the world not all Democrats are ass-grabbing womanizers Ways I have been called stupid 1. A few crumbs short of a crouton. 2. A few clowns short of a circus. 3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 5. A few beers short of a six-pack. 6. A few peas short of a casserole. 7. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. 9. One taco short of a combination plate. 10. A few feathers short of a whole duck 11. All foam, no beer. 12. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 13. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 14. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 15. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 16. As smart as bait. 17. Chimney's clogged. 18. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. 19. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 20. Forgot to pay his brain bill. 21. His sewing machine's out of thread. 22. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. 23. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. 24. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 25. Has the intelligence of a Carrot. Things to do with a coathanger 10. Scratch your back. 9. Make the frame for a butterfly net. 8. Put it on the roof as a lightning rod. 7. If you are on a tight budget, use it as a halo in a Christmas Play. 6. Go Fishing. 5. Make a TV antenna. 4. Get some bubble solution and blow some BIG BUBBLES! 3. Unlock your car. 2. Budget braces for the kids! 1. Hang it and a few others in an empty closet and just look PLAIN STUPID |
| Posted By: AdamMaster Posted On: Aug 26, 2005 Views: 718 | RE: I love lists! The Top 10 Reasons That Its Better To Pee In The Shower Than In The Toilet 10) In the shower, you can't kill the Tidy Bowl man. 9) Turns getting rid of shower mold into a fun-filled game. 8) It allows nothing and I mean NOTHING to interrupt you during the catchy singing of MMMBOP. 7) Allows you to practice your speech on Trickle Down Economics without interruption. 6) Helps you avoid telling co-workers the embarrassing story of how you broke your leg getting out of the shower tub to do #1. 5) For all the married people out there, getting out of the shower to go might just ruin the mood. 4) For all the single people out there, getting out of the shower might just ruin the solo mood. 3) You don't need toilet paper...just your roommate's towel. 2) If George on "Seinfeld" did it, then it's good enough for me. 1) Helps you avoid that painful sprain associated with over flushing. The Top 10 Names For The President Clinton Sex Scandal 10) Mideast Piece Process. 9) One Good Intern Deserves Another. 8) Fellatio Hornblower. 7) The Man From Hope Who Likes To Grope. 6) In Honor of Dr. Suess and "Horton Hears A Hoo", I give you "Clinton Bags A Babe." 5) Big Willie's Style. 4) The Summer of Hummers. 3) Swallow The Leader. 2) Hands On America. 1) Fornigate. The Top 10 Signs That The Entire Walton Family on the TV Show "The Waltons" Was Gay 10) The Horse Drawn Buggy had a pink triangle bumper sticker on it. 9) At Thanksgiving, they always encouraged guests to pass the "Alternative Bread" instead of saying the word Fruitcake. 8) Well, John Boy did spend a lot of time alone. 7) During the Dinner Prayer, the handholding got a little risque. 6) The Good Nights at the end of the show always mentioned "Ellen" "K.D" and "Melissa" but we never saw them on the show. 5) The Trading Post had the first "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. 4) Pa always plowed the fields wearing a pink bandanna. 3) Numerous guest appearances by Richard Simmons. 2) After each one left for school, there were very strict orders to "Study Hard and don't act willy-nilly around those other kids." 1) Well, the dance numbers always went very well. The Top 10 Signs That You Have A Boring Job 10) You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God". 9) You have visited every website in the world. 8) You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama. 7) You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour. 6) You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth. 5) Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life. 4) You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo. 3) You're the only actor on Melrose Place that doesn't get to have sex and you've been on the show since the beginning. 2) Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long. 1) In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket. The Top 10 Rarely Watched Winter Olympic Events 10) Disco Ice Skating. 9) Snowmobile Destruction Derby. 8) Ice Whittling. 7) The Frozen Nasal Hair Pull. 6) Ski Jump over the most cars and buses. 5) Ogling(I could have been a contender during Women's Figure Skating). 4) Synchronized Dish Washing(I really could have done well at that there Olympics in Japan). 3) Anatomically correct Snowman building. 2) The Cross Country/Rifle Shooting/Prisoner Manhunt. 1) It just sounds painful...Nude Luge. The Top 10 Differences Between Geeks and Nerds 10) GEEKS snicker and blush at dirty jokes; NERDS laugh uncontrollably for hours. 9) GEEKS will fit only in full size gym lockers; NERDS fit in all gym lockers. 8) GEEKS wear bowling shoes as their regular shoes; NERDS wear bowling shoes with plaid shorts. 7) GEEKS occasionly get lucky and get to pass their phone number to someone at a bar; NERDS will only pass their URL at a bar. 6) GEEKS get a perfect score on the SAT; NERDS write the damn SAT. 5) GEEKS see "Urkel" as their hero; NERDS watch all of the "Revenge of the Nerds" movies(Yes, even Revenge #5) for their inspiration. 4) GEEKS socialize with DWEEBS; NERDS socialize with DORKS 3) GEEKS will snort when they laugh; NERDS will snort but add a very high pitched nasal wheeze(see Horshack on the Welcome Back Kotter series on Nickelodeon)to their performance. 2) GEEKS set their phasers on stun; NERDS set theirs on Kill cause you never know when those nasty Klingons may appear. 1) Isn't it obvious...GEEKS read Top 10 lists; NERDS write Top 10 Lists. The Top 10 Least Romantic Sayings 10) "You're The Cheez Wiz on my potato." 9) "Being without you is like a biscuit without gravy." 8) "I need you like someone with the squirts needs Pepto Bismol." 7) "You make me so excited, I just can't hold my bladder." 6) "I wanna be close to you like a leech on an abrasion." 5) "I want you like a dog wants a muscular leg." 4) "You mean more to me than a Buy one, Get one Free Coupon at Waffle House." 3) "I want you more than a Romulan wants to kill a Klingon." 2) "I want you more than the nastiest heroin addict needs a fix from a dirty needle." 1) "Its either you or the dog but I gotta sleep with someone tonight!" The Top 10 Signs That People Who Write Top 10 Lists Are Stupid 10) On all Scholastic Aptitude Tests, we stop after question 10. 9) Most smart kids use the slang "Whatever"; we're still using the phrase "No Doy". 8) Still getting out of the tub before we pull the drain plug out of fear of getting sucked down the drain. 7) Still getting Amy Grant and Hugh Grant confused. 6) Never can remember if its juices you pop open and beer that you shake well before opening or vice versa. 5) Never got past the number 10 in counting drills because no one taught us that we could count on our toes as well. 4) Don't know what the letter on the electronic doors at the store spell; just know to avoid the one that will come out and hit ya. 3) Have "Stoopid Is As Stoopid Duz" Tattoo on arm. 2) Still get confused by the "Which Hand is The Quarter In" game that Uncle Delbert plays at every family reunion. 1) We actually think that we'll go somewhere with this craft and get paid for it!! |
| Posted By: AdamMaster Posted On: Aug 26, 2005 Views: 717 | RE: I love lists! The Top 10 Things You Do Not Want To Find On An Exam 10) A handwritten note from the rest of your fraternity that reads: FAIL THIS TEST AND WE WILL BEAT THE **** OUT OF YOU!!! 9) If you're a guy, you don't want to find your male professor's phone number. 8) Drool. 7) The phone number for that school that Sally Struthers talks about in her commercial (Do You Wanna Make More Money?!?). 6) An essay question that reads "Explain the history of the Russian Empire in Limerick Format". 5) Something that looks like white out but doesn't really cover up any words. 4) An English test in Spanish. 3) Where page 5 is supposed to contain questions 50-69, you find a note in black magic marker that reads "DROP THIS CLASS NOW YOU MORON!!" 2) A question that offers you multiple choice answers that range from "A" to "ZZ". 1) A copy of a steamy E-mail from your professor to your current girlfriend. The Top 10 Classes You Do Not Want To Take 10) Woodshop 101 with Three-Fingered McGillicudy 9) Cermanic Pottery 101--Sculpting with expired government cheese 8) Pharmacy 202--The "lab" is off-campus and frequently gets raided. 7) U.S.History 101--Professor requires a "Hier Professor" one armed salute at the start of each class. 6) Probability 204--Class spends whole semester working on "Bovine Bingo" project. A large field is sectioned off into squares and tries to predict where the Agriculture Dept's cow will "use the facilities." 5) Technology 308--Atari 2600 or Mattel Intellivision... which one was cooler? 4) Motion Pictures 218--The Study of 80's Film...aka.. Where the Hell did Anthony Michael Hall and Molly Ringwald disappear to??? 3) Physical Education 108--Nude Telephone Pole Climbing 2) Archaeology 301--Learning Proper Digging Technique.. PREREQUISITE: Archaeology 201--How To Avoid Natural Gas Pipelines 1) Music 101--Bananarama... The White Supremes of Music or Just A Bunch of Eurosluts?? The Top 10 Reasons Why People Get Depressed 10) To be truthful, its easier than getting obsessed. 9) Cancellation of the "Jenny" show on NBC. 8) Using Commodore 64 and AOL to access Internet. 7) Missed Halley's Comet. 6) Heard about Great Depression in school..thought it was the cool thing to do. 5) That Clinton is the most powerful man in the world and he STILL gets ugly interns! 4) Elevator Music/Muzak rendition of Metallica's "Enter Sandman." 3) Recently found out in video format that Pamela Anderson is not the virgin that you hoped she was. 2) Not getting paid to write stellar, award winning Top 10 lists. 1) Three words: Hanson's Musical Success! Things to do with a glass of Water! 10.)Drink it. 9.)Eat it. 8.)Dehydrate it. 7.)Pour it over your head and say you just came in from a downpour. 6.)Pour it over your head and call yourself stupid. 5.)Watch it evaporate. 4.)Fund a project to research the process of evaporation. 3.)Go swimming! 2.)Give it a name and call it an ocean. 1.)Pour some sea monkeys in and watch them grow! 41 Stupid Things to Do in a Men's Public Restroom 1. Introduce yourself to the guy at the next urinal. 2. Turn the light off while stalls are occupied. 3. Order a pizza. (This works great in bars that allow outside food deliveries. Call back the pizza parlor thirty minutes after you place your order, giving them plenty of time to start delivering the pizza, and tell them you can be found in the last stall in the men's bathroom. Refuse to leave until you get your pizza.) 4. Stick your head over an occupied stall and ask for the time. 5. Tell people that they're on TV. Point to some random spot on the far wall and ask them to "smile for the camera". 6. Lie down across all the sinks and pretend to be passed out. 7. Use a stopwatch to time people going to the bathroom. Cheer them on to encourage good performance. 8. Hold your hand in front of a hand dryer while someone's using it. 9. Pour a bucket of water over an occupied stall. 10. Grab someone's ass really hard while they're using a urinal, and see how far you can get before they catch you. 11. Guard the paper towel dispenser in the name of the Earth Liberation Front. 12. Say to the guy at the next urinal: "This is the best part about being gay." 13. Say, "Huh, that's funny. I don't remember eating asparagus." 14. Turn off the faucet while someone's washing their hands. Repeat. 15. Pee on someone's leg and tell them it's raining. 16. Offer to blow-dry other people's hands with your mouth to save energy. 17. Point at someone's crotch while they're using a urinal and yell, "Ha ha, your fly is down!" 18. Put on a hand puppet show underneath the stall next to you. 19. Complain about the size of your penis. 20. While inside the bathroom, ask where the nearest bathroom is. After you've received a puzzled look or response, reply, "I'm not looking for a toilet, you moron, I'm looking for a bathroom. Haven't you ever taken a bath? Apparently not. No wonder it smells like **** in here." 21. Demand to know where the glory holes are. 22. Walk up behind someone who's using a urinal and wrap his head in toilet paper. 23. Ask a friend to help you stage a live audio performance of a violent mugging for your unwitting audience inside the stalls. Make sure the final line of dialogue is, "You come out of there and I'll blow your ****ing head off." 24. Inside a stall, pretend to be talking to a young child, "That's right Johnny, remember what I told you about unzipping your fly? Oh, now look what you did!" Then slap your hands twice and make crying noises. 25. Hang a realistic dummy from a noose inside one of the stalls as a wacky surprise for the next visitor. 26. Knock on the stall next to you and say, "Do you have enough toilet paper in there? I got plenty if you need some." 27. Put up a sign above the sink that says "Did you remember to wipe?" 28. Put up a sign that says, "This is the legally required 'Employees must wash hands' sign which we disregard on a daily basis." 29. Put up a sign that says "Caution: please do not use toilets." 30. Fill the liquid soap containers with motor oil. 31. Have (mobile) phone sex while standing at a urinal. 32. Smear peanut butter on a piece of toilet paper, drop it between stalls, and curse yourself for being clumsy. 33. Flash people standing just outside the bathroom door. Tell them that you've finally "found the loophole". 34. Pump soap for people, give out paper towels, and demand tips. 35. Wear a camera around your neck and offer to take people's photos for money. 36. When the bathroom is empty, get down on your hands and knees and hold your face over one of the urinals. Wait in that position until someone enters the bathroom. Act as if you're embarrassed to be caught. 37. See how long you can do a raspberry inside one of the stalls before someone asks you if you're alright. 38. Whisper, "Now spread your legs, honey. Oh yeah, that's it." 39. Drop a small, unclothed, plastic baby doll in a toilet, along with an ample supply of red food coloring. 40. Identify people who have not washed their hands. Follow them out of the bathroom and publicly announce this fact. 41. Congratulate yourself aloud on a job well done. That's it for now. I'll have more next week along with more of my award winning poo jokes and general details on my slacker lifestyle. |
| Posted By: AdamMaster Posted On: Aug 26, 2005 Views: 714 | RE: I love lists! Oops, forgot one. One of my favorites. 1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour. 2. Always toast before doing a shot. 3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast. 4. Change your toast at least once a month. 5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake. 6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb. 7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night. 8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails. 9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile. 10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink. 11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now Im going to get drunk. I hate shots. Its coming back up. 12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong. 13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message. 14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you. 15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you. 16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you. 17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference. 18. Always have a corkscrew in your house. 19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen. 20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks. 21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are. 22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thingurinating, waiting in line or washing your hands. 23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not. 24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence. 25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people. 26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again. 27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works. 28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store. 29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer. 30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink. 31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one. 32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25. 33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor. 34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge. 35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it. 36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartenders guide and browse through all the drinks youve never tried. 37. Try one new drink each week. 38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him. 39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value. 40. If you have ever told a bartender, Hey, it all spends the same, then you are a cheap ass. 41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking. 42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth. 43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else. 44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it. 45. It's okay to drink alone. 46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her baby or darling. 47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter. 48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser. 49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it. 50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar. 51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row. 52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar. 53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know. 54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean. 55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English. 56. Screaming, Someone buy me a drink! has never worked. 57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight. 58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious. 59. If you are broke and a friend is sporting you, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move. 60. If you are broke and a friend is making sport of you, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended. 61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block. 62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him. 63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response. 64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers. 65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini. 66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, I'm an idiot. 67. Never ask a bartender what's good tonight? They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning. 68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar. 69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours. 70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers. 71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice. 72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and theyre sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass. 73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it. 74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink. 75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious. 76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar. 77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . . 78. When youre in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless hes buying. 79. If you are 86d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you. 80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way. 81. If youre going to drink on the job, drink vodka. Its the no-tell liquor. 82. Theres nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if youre supposed to be at work. 83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call. 84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure theres something in it. 85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss. 86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink. |
| Posted By: adam Posted On: Aug 26, 2005 Views: 707 | RE: I love lists! wow still trying to take the upper hand by doing something like this...that is pretty lame |
| Posted By: Snail Posted On: Aug 26, 2005 Views: 704 | RE: I love lists! Whoever posted this should be shot. |
| Posted By: AdamMaster Posted On: Aug 26, 2005 Views: 701 | RE: I love lists! Do not worry. I am adammaster, the dragonmaster of the north. Next to masterbating to pictures of girls that have restraining orders against me, my most favorite thing to do is collect lists. I will post more next week. |
| Posted By: greg Posted On: Aug 26, 2005 Views: 697 | RE: I love lists! good for you, you are posting so many lists - give yourself a big hand! |
| Posted By: AdamMaster Posted On: Aug 27, 2005 Views: 687 | RE: I love lists! Bonus one. "DOES THE SEX REALLY COUNT?" Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other. 1. Oral sex does not count. 2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day it doesn't count. 3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex it doesn't count. 4. If neither of you achieved orgasm it doesn't count. 5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share. 6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for this," it doesn't count. 7. An old flame doesn't count. 8. An ex-spouse doesn't count. Refer to this as a "pity f*ck." 9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex. 10. Cybersex - no way! This is glorified masturbation. 11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex. 12. Kissing is not cheating. 13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, but only if you do not know their significant other. 14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count. 15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn't count. This should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet." 16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it was fun right?). 17. Phone sex, doesn't count. Refer back to "glorified masturbation". 18. In a car doesn't count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1. 19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count. 20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count. 21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not considered to be intimate). 22. An act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count. 23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count. This should be referred to as "being neighborly." 24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn't count. 25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count. This should be considered a "**** friend." 26. Sex does count if a pregnancy results! |
| Posted By: greg Posted On: Aug 28, 2005 Views: 674 | RE: I love lists! retard |
| Posted By: Barfly Posted On: Aug 28, 2005 Views: 672 | RE: I love lists! Sorry to hear that but please start your own thread if you need to tell people your mental status. |