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TOPIC: To Brother J (& any other 'foreigners') hehehen

Posted By: alfonsothefan Posted On: Jun 22, 2004 Views: 240	To Brother J (& any other 'foreigners') hehehen So you're coming to the great Southwest and you need a 'guide'? Not since Jack Palance led around those 'City Slickers' has there been a need to help you 'net nerds. All you Johnny Foreigners and East Coast types feel free to read this before coming out to where there's three types of hot days: *Hot; *Very (but it's a dry heat) hot; and * Holy Jerry Christ, I died and leege was wr---oops... 1. Pronounciations: Phoenix. 'Fee-niks' Tempe. 'Tem-peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee' Prescott. 'Press-cut' Now, the sum-bitch who corrects you will undoubtably call my hometown Deeeetrot, but there ya are. 2. Morning rush hour is from 5am to 10am. Evening rush hour is from 3pm to 7pm. Fridays rush hour starts on Thursday evening, so don't bother coming during the week end. 3. Minimal acceptable speed on all highways: I-10, I-17, U.S. 60, Loop 202 is 85 mph. You may exceed that speed only on Loop 101, where your speed may match the highway number. (Note to killer: this DOES NOT APPLY to the 202, k?). Anything less is considered wussy. 4. There are no "real" traffic rules here. Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go next on all 4-way stops. Trucks with the biggest tires trump all 'rules'. East Valley SUV-driving-Yuppie Looking-cell phone yapping-moms/bidnezmen ALWAYS have the right of way, 'cept if you're in my neck of the woods (more on that later), where you WILL be shot at. 5. If you stop at a yellow light (meaning: you're an idiot), you will be rear ended, cussed out and -again - shot at. 6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. 7. Construction in Phoenix is perminent. Detour boards are moved from time to time at night to make the next days drive more 'interesting'. 8. Watch carefully for road hazards, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, buzzards, vultures, javalinas, roadrunners and the coyotes feeding off them. Note: AZ never had mosquitoes & pollution until the 90's. Then, peeps 'flooded' most of Mesa. Now, we lead the nation in... TA DA: West Nile Disease. We're so proud... 9. Maricopa Freeway. Papago Freeway. I-10. Same Road. No sh*t. 10. Here it's important to know where Central and Washington are. It is our Alpha and Omega-- the Beginning and the End. Don't mean jack-shi*t, but the locals always point it out hehehehe... 11. Tempe ('Tem-peeeeeeeeeee') had a gay mayor who was balanced in typical liberal Americana manner by a leszbo vice mayor. Isn't that special? Oh, AZ State Univ (ASU) is there. Think: Where would GG, Dio and Leege fit in? Got it? 12. West-west-western Phx is God's country. Luke Air Force Base. Goldwater bombing test grounds. Tim McVeigh left here cuz we 'scared him' (East-east LA LOL) Republicans/Conservatives/Gubbmint Haters as far as the eye can see! Think: Fonz. Have a nice time in Fee-nix, all youse from Bahhhhston and Nah England and parts east... atf, No Michael Moore Lovers here
Posted By: JSK Posted On: Jun 22, 2004 Views: 225	RE: To Brother J (& any other 'foreigners') hehehen It sounds to me like its just too hot there. About everything else happens in the East. Different route names ... same jerks on the road. People drive too fast, cut you off and still have the nerve to give you the finger:) If you drive in Boston you best know where you are going or you'll be hounded by those behind you ... so close they are just about in your trunk. Theres always a new lane or detour thanks to the old Big Dig. A second thanks to John Kerry who helped it get so out of control. By the way where is John? We're almost halfway through the year and yet Mr. Kerry hasn't shown up for work for atleast 4 1/2 of those months. Funny thing is he still accepts the hefty check us tax payers are handing him. Lets not talk about the Convention coming into town. I think its all hype like everything else, but they are trying to say it'll be days of absolute gridlock throughout the entire city of Boston. Beantown- The city whos roads were built over tarded horse and buggy tracks. Needless to say we're rated in the top 5 for the nations crappiest drivers. No, not me I have a near perfect driving record. Well unless you go before the years of 1991. But still even when I was drunk I'd still be curtious!!! Sounds like you need a few stiff drinks Fonz. Its normally Beer o'clock earlier in the summer. I just couldn't imagine the entire summer being that hot without any wind or breeze! Pools, Airconditioning, mud wrestling with hot chicks. You'll think of something to cool off. Later, JSK
Posted By: atf Posted On: Jun 22, 2004 Views: 220	RE: To Brother J (& any other 'foreigners') hehehen Oh no killer. You don't understand: I am not allowed to drink alcohol. Sumpin about the meds my goofy ass shrink gave me. Did try booze & the pills once. God, what a headache. later, atf

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