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| Posted By: Th Crown Posted On: Nov 15, 2004 Views: 345 | U.S. recent 'election' Subject: Revocation Subject: From Her Majesty's Government The UK Government Response to US Election Result 2004 To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the evocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a ritish Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', kipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). That is all, you will receive more instructions, as you need 'em. Queen Lizzie |
| Posted By: legion Posted On: Nov 15, 2004 Views: 341 | RE: U.S. recent 'election' The US of A leadership is completely lacking in the clothes department, what a great show!..the deconstruction of Empire! (just glad I don't live there). As resident conservatard JSK might reply : "Your just jellous" Of something or other...he knows not what. They've also proposed changing the name of the northern progressive freethinking liberal states to the 'United States of Canada' and all the southern States filled with backwoods hillbilly yahoos to 'Jesusland'. Presumably some sort of amusement park? ...Look for the Red Sea log ride to be a big hit with the church youth groups. |
| Posted By: atf Posted On: Nov 15, 2004 Views: 335 | RE: You guys... Dio...Leege...you are priceless... Anyway, you obviously do not understand the basic precepts of the Marquis of Doonesberry`s Rules. To wit: When you get your snarly azzes ripped from pillar to post; when you get the crap beat outta ya on the Battlefields AS WELL AS IN THE PEACE TABLES OF PARIS, one cannot, under any circumstance, expect to GET BACK the territory that you LOST in the first damn place! Cannot ever happen. Oh, btw...I have an excellent idea I`m about to shoot off to Rummy & the Neo Cons and you will get a kick out of it: Lets send the libs to Canadah, the rag heads to London and Kerry to Afghanistan; I can see it now: REPORTING 4 DUTY, SIR! Hehehe...yeah, you lefties are a trip and a half...just keep `em coming & no leege, I believe you are right: I think you folks are too friggin STUPID to rise to jealousy. More like the old adage of ignorance being bliss. You must be positively ecstatic over your...ah... conditio(u)n... atf, proud to be an American Where at Least I Know I`m Free SING IT FLUFFY!!!!!!!!!! |
| Posted By: Johny Gunholder Posted On: Nov 15, 2004 Views: 331 | I am here to insult everyone! England is for gay-rabs! There is no need to count when its obvious George W. Bush clearly won. Now shut your babble before he bombs the **** out of your country(ies) And Cunuck not everyone gives a **** about spell check. Its a waste of time especially when people with a brain know what the person meant to write. Its chumps like you who sound like dummies trying to speak real english. Stick to your french and keep that poor language to your pathetic selves. You all sound like fools slobbering all over yourselves when you speak. Bunch of drunk hairy people you all are. I will kick you in the nuts and shoot off your ears! Then sell them to Iraq for those bastards to feast on. That way you can say you actually did something for someone rather than yourselves. BITCHES! Johny Gunholder (Cocked and loaded) |
| Posted By: Viking Posted On: Nov 15, 2004 Views: 327 | 'lections? Oh, I like them thangs! [In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the evocation of your independence, effective today.]...Th Crown Uhhh, you sure 'bout that? Don't count yer chickens jist yet. I sorta 'member the last two times ya'll tried that. We had to open up two big ole cans of whoop a-s-s. Ever heard of Yorktown? New Orleans?? Nah, prolly not. [Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)]...Th Crown There is? No there isn't! Oh, wait...you're talking about all those heathen foreign johnnies that inhabit the hinterlands. Well, they don't really matter cuz we don't need 'em that much. We only need to be sure they have enough money to buy our stuff and stay reasonably healthy. Sooner or later we'll get bored over here and need somebody to whoop-up on. Oh, and lighten up on the numbers bidness. If there's one thing I hate...it's figers. Stickin' that 97.85% bit in there only confuses me so put a lid on it, will ya? [Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.]...Th Crown It will? Really?? You promise?!?!? HOT DAMN!!!...count me in !!! [To aid in the transition to a ritish Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', kipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".]...Th Crown Awww...that's just great! You'll have us all talking like a bunch of commie pansies! No fundy yahoo worth his salt is gonna go along with that. I ain't gonna do it! Uh uh!! NO WAY!! [2. There is no such thing as "US English".]...Th Crown Bulls-h-i-t!!! So, you tryin' to tell me that "ain't" and "fixin'-to" aren't really words? Well...that just shows how much you know! [3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.]...Th Crown Yeah, but it's pointless. Since both of 'em talk funny, all you really need to know is one bunch eats shrimp and the other drinks tea. Big whoop. [You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.]...Th Crown Well, that wouldn't really matter much to me. Anytime they do sumpin stupid, like puttin' pesky words on the screen, I just flick over to sumpin good...like Springer. If there's one thing these damn TV executives need to learn it's: Fundy yahoos DON'T WATCH TV TO READ! If we wanna read sumpin, we'll jist pick up a copy of Guns&Ammo, damn it! [While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon".]...Th Crown Regions schmegions!! Who cares? Look buddy, I don't know what planet you're from, but 'round here everyone knows that Inglund is that little rock above Yerup where it's always rainin'. That's all you need to know. Now get with the program! [4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.]...Th Crown I've got a better idea. I say we jist torch the damn place. I mean, what good is Hollyweird anyway? All they do is put out crap movies and say stupid stuff on TV. Ever heard of Mikey Moore? Plus, its turned into one giant freakshow. Have you seen the natives? It's nothing more than a breeding ground for tree hugging pink-o commie butt-munchin' fags. I say we torch the place and sell it to the Mexicans...BEFORE they take it over. [5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",]...Th Crown A queen? Ummm...fat chance! I don't think you're gonna get anyone 'round these parts to sing some song about a buncha queens. Maybe in San Francisco or Key West, but NOT in fundy yahoo land. NO WAY JOSE! [6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.]...Th Crown Not a very good game? Huh?? Why...that's blasphemy!! Ummm...I'm beginning to wonder 'bout you feller. So tell me, when you were born which end did the doc slap? [The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.]...Th Crown 2.15%? Damn it, there he goes with the numbers again! Listen Junior, STOP USIN' ALL THEM DAMN FIGERS! I didn't listen to that crap in skool and I shore ain't gonna start now! And fer yore information, the reason all these foreign johnnies don't play 'Merican football is they're NOT MAN ENOUGH TO HACK IT! They'd rather put on a pair of knee socks and kick around a speckled ball like a bunch of fairy cakes. [You should stop playing baseball.]...Th Crown Oh yeah, that's jist great isn't it? Now we have to give up baseball too...the only other real sport there is. Yeah, we'll give it up alright. Right before we do something else brilliant...like electing Lurch. [It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.]...Th Crown Hey Einstein! Ever heard of the Tronto Blue Jays? You see, baseball is such a great sport that even the Kuhnaydeeuns'll drop their hockey sticks long enough to pick up a bat. [7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.]...Th Crown NOW YORE TALKIN'!!! Hell yeah! I ain't real keen on givin' up my religion('Merican football & baseball) but if it means gettin' a chance at bitch-slapping those frinchy fairies up in Kwuhbeck & Frants...SIGN ME UP!...NOW!! Hell, I'll even use my own shootin' irons! [The Russians have never been the bad guys.]...Th Crown I totally agree. I never thought that starving a third of the pink-o population to build more commie missles was all that bad. Starving to death ain't so rough. Now taxing people to death, well...THAT'S CRIMINAL! [You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.]...Th Crown No more guns? What the fff...BALLS TO THAT!!! HELL NO....HELL FREEEEKING NO! You had me goin' Junior when you got to the part 'bout s-h-i-t canning frinchies, but when you start messin' with my Sekont 'Mendmint, I git real worked up. You can take away my religion,('Merican football & baseball) hell...you can take away my gas guzzling SUVs, but KEEP YORE COMMIE MITTS OFF MY SHOOTIN' IRONS!!! [8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday,]...Th Crown You're not real bright, are you? Now jist how do you expect the wimmin folk to run around half nekkid in tube tops and miniskirts IN NOVEMBER? Oh...I git it. You're one of them there rump rangers, ain't cha? I should've known. [9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.]...Th Crown I ain't buyin' nothin' Jerry! Tojo...yes, but p-i-s-s on Jerry! [You will start driving on the left with immediate effect.]...Th Crown Heeeyeah. All I got to say is you better watch yore a-s-s pal. If I see you on my side(right side) of the road in your little commie hybrid tin can, I'm jist gonna peck the 4wd button on my gas guzzling SUV and get all Bigfoot on ya. [At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.]...Th Crown How many times do I have to tell ya? Quit yappin' about figers damn it! Are you deaf? And we ain't switchin' to no obsolete commie measurin' system either! Peanut Carter tried that s-h-i-t back in the 70s and that wasn't the only thing he f-u-c-ked up. [11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.]...Th Crown Huh? Fer what, that Boston Tea Party thingy?? Don't you know them's was Indians that done that! They was half nekkid and all painted up weren't they? [12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".]...Th Crown That ain't beer you nitwit! That's syrup! You're 'pposed to eat it on pancakes, not drink it. Sheesh, some people... [The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine".]...Th Crown I'm guessin' you know this from experience. So tell me, how much gnat p-i-s-s did you drink to know this fer sure? [13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).]...Th Crown Six bucks a gallon MY A-S-S!! Hey, we can't help it if the rest of you lot are stupid enough to pay that! [14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists.]...Th Crown Awww hell, I don't need all that. I jist settle my problems the ole fashioned 'Merican way. It sorta goes like this:" Hey pal, you either see it my way or I'm gonna STOMP A MUDHOLE IN YORE A-S-S!" It works pretty good too. But if you're one of them commie runts, I'd suggest you get yourself one of them ambulance chasers. Your dentist will appreciate it. [15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.]...Th Crown It was this commie ex-Marine sniper by the name of Lee Harvey Oswald. Don't feel bad though, Oliver Stone didn't know this either. [16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).]...Th Crown Yeah, well, she'll git the same treatment I gave the IRS back in 01. I'll take all my neatly organized tax records, dump 'em in a big ole sack, give 'em a good shake and say: "Here, knock yourself out." [They've also proposed changing the name of the northern progressive freethinking liberal states to the 'United States of Canada'...]...fluffy You got the liberal part right but freethinking? {cough}{cough} Oh my! That's a good one!! Oooops...sorry. I forgot ya'll still think that Fecalhype Nine Elebben was a documentary. Oh well, carry on fluffs! [...and all the southern States filled with backwoods hillbilly yahoos to 'Jesusland'. Presumably some sort of amusement park? ...Look for the Red Sea log ride to be a big hit with the church youth groups.]...fluffy Man, I jist love them log rides! And I was lookin' forward to this'n too. That was until some commie ninwit from the Sierruh Klub came and shut the dad blame thang down. It was sumpin 'bout snail darters. From fundy yahooville, Viking |
| Posted By: JSK Posted On: Nov 16, 2004 Views: 313 | RE: U.S. recent 'election' OUCH Viking ..... What a nice happy read that was. And quite truthful! Once again people feel the need to bash anything American. It makes me laugh and its good to know some forign pricks feel this way. Makes me feel even less about some of them. Just you wait. At the end of this GW won't look like the bad guy. Infact, things are already coming out about other countries that sucked up to Saddam and made decisions based on profit and money. Although we are getting sucked dry in some senses of the word atleast no one can say we didn't sacrifice lots of things for others. I won't beat up on jolly old england or even sven jolly or whatever he calls himself. I just wait for the day when they have no other feet to stand on and admit how terribly wrong they have all been downing not only our government, but our people and our history. A history no horrible or ruthless than their own. I didn't see boxing in the winded speach of sports. Lets face it all Brits have weak chins and talk like butlers!!! Leege I spell jealous the correct way. But, it must urk you to have used it. Again I'm sorry I was born with ****ty spelling and not an unfortunate canadian:)~ But thats life for ya. Happy tuesday see ya wednesday- JSK |